40 things you must know about your 40s
I started writing this field guide to your 40s in my mid-40s, and finally finished editing my thoughts for the 50th time last night, on the last day of my 40s.
Some of these “must-knows” are mine. Some of them are from people whose work I’ve trusted along the way — neuroscientists and health experts, writers, and most importantly: women now in their 50s and 60s who told me what was coming.
I gathered some of these nuggets from The Midst community, and none of it is the version of midlife your mother was sold.
Here we go.
You’re entering a cultural moment, one that is much more momentous than previously thought possible.
1. Turning 40 is a rite of passage, not a punishment.
I was anxious when I started my 40s because I felt like I was officially old. Maybe it was because I worked in tech at the time, my boss was younger than me, and I was able to pass for 30-something.
Then every woman over 50 I trusted told me the same thing: you won’t think 40 was old when you’re older. They were right. By 45, I looked back at 40 with something like envy — for how much I still didn’t know I was about to learn.
Also, if you want your 40s to be a big deal, it can be. But if you think of it as just another year, have it your way. That’s the point.
2. Turning 40 is the new black.
Look at some of the celebrities turning 40 in 2026: Lady Gaga, Robert Pattinson, Drake.
When I was growing up in the 1980s (“back in the 1900s,” my 11-year-old likes to say), “over the hill” was a Hallmark genre. That’s ancient history. Forty is when a lot of women I know start writing the punchlines.
Whatever you do for your 40th, do not let anyone hand you a black-balloon-and-tombstone-cake situation.
3. Holy shit, look how far you’ve come.
If you’re feeling like you have to hurry up and do as much as possible because time is precious, I hear you. I felt the same way. In my mid-30s I felt like I needed to get with the program (not sure which one) asap. I remember attending my 20-year high school reunion and some of my former classmates were newly empty-nesters. Classmates who became parents in their 20s wanted to go to the bar after our reunion, but I couldn’t go. I was four months pregnant for the first time in my life (thanks, IVF).
I didn’t have kids until I was 39. In some circles I’m the “old mom” now. But in my personal circle, I’m exactly where I need to be. I met my husband in my mid-thirties, when many of my high school classmates had already gone through divorce.
Looking back nine years later, I realized I’d already done so much in life. I was an early bloomer and a later bloomer at the same time. I just couldn’t see it from the inside. You probably can’t either. Take a beat to read your own résumé like it belongs to someone else.
4. There is no official timeline, and you probably haven’t peaked yet.
Don’t get rattled by what you “should have” accomplished by a certain age. For perspective, in 1974, two years before I was born, a 40-year-old woman in the U.S. wasn’t legally allowed to open her own bank account or get a credit card without a male co-signer. WTF? That was the timeline our culture invented for us, and we’ve been outrunning it for 50 years.
Your timeline is what you make it.
5. You might not be middle-aged yet.
If you’re 40 and reasonably healthy, there’s a strong chance your life is more than half ahead of you, not behind you. We’re living longer. The actuarial math is on your side. The cultural script that puts “middle age” in your 40s is decades out of date — most of the people I know who feel middle-aged feel that way somewhere closer to 55, if at all.
Make every day Give Fewer F#cks Day
I gave too many fucks in my early 40s. Granted, I had a lot of adulting on my plate with young twins, being the primary breadwinner, moving from New York to Chicago to be near family, and holding down a demanding full-time job. In some ways, it’s impossible to not care because it feels like your survival depends on it. But with time and wisdom, you realize people don’t care nearly as much as you think they do and that you have more power to call your own shots than you realize.
6. The give-less-f#cks engine starts humming in perimenopause
My 50-something mentors told me it’d happen, and they were right. In my 30s, I planned my outfits ahead of time. Now most of my clothes are black, stretchy, and basically look the same, and I don’t care. It’s my uniform and I’m comfortable. I add accessories for spice.
My simplified wardrobe prevents hours of decision fatigue. There’s actually neuroscience for this — your prefrontal cortex is, with quiet efficiency, pruning the neural pathways for hypervigilant people-pleasing. They’re inefficient. Your brain has better uses for the bandwidth.
7. Make a f-it list, not a bucket list.
Bucket lists are for things you want to add. F-it lists are for things you want to subtract. The life-over-40 question isn’t what else can I cram in; it’s what can I finally stop pretending I cared about?
My mentor Dixie Laite wrote about this — the f-it list is the more useful tool for this decade.
8. Pleasing other people will only get you so far.
People-pleasing might get you to a certain point, but because you are a human and not an AI, you’ll burn out. For millions of women, the first 40 years of life are about being the good girl: polite, accommodating, predictable. The next 40 are about being the cycle-breaker: building agency, honoring yourself, and becoming allergic to anything that asks you to shrink.
9. You worry less about being cool.
At the onset of my 40s, I was still mindful of my cool factor. At some point, I stopped. I now own plastic faux Birkenstocks, traded in my underwire bra for a sports bra, and have never been more content in my life. Cool is what you make it. Keep it weird if that’s your jam.
The body stuff they didn’t warn you about
10. Your metabolism isn’t what it used to be.
Read all 40 must-knows here on The Midst Substack.
The Midst is a community-driven platform leaning into the messy middle of life pivots, career and relationship upgrades, perimenopause, building businesses, and so much more. We help women play by their own rules to become the women they are meant to be. Learn about The Midst Mastermind.
