Dear Santa, Here’s the problem with the whole naughty-or-nice thing

Dear Santa,

I know you’re busy, so let’s cut to the chase and get this out of the way first — the whole “naughty or nice” thing you got going. You see me when I’m sleeping (btw, #creepy), and you know when I’m awake. Soooo, I’ll hope you’ll concede that in the pie graph of my naughty and nice-ness, I’ve primarily been good, for goodness sake. I would like to argue that my “naughty” moments, which deal primarily with unkind thoughts about various members of Congress, are completely understandable. I don’t mean to brag, but I have not punched, tripped, or set anyone on fire in 2021. Therefore, I believe you should give my list serious consideration.

Here goes:

1. I would like 500 or so new hours of Law & Order because I have seen the existing episodes approximately 80 times each.
   
2. I’d like my cheeks and breasts to stay where they are.
   
3. I would like to sit down and stand up without grunting. (This is apparently an issue because my parrot, Butch, has taken to making that noise whenever I sit or stand, so clearly he’s discerned a pattern.) 
   
4. I would like to eat dozens of pistachio muffins without it affecting the scale.
   
5. I would like to eat entire pumpkin pies without my husband knitting his eyebrows in pity.
   
6. I’d like a fourth Rick Owens hoodie that I don’t need.
   
7. I would like to know what people under 30 are talking about when they discuss entertainment or technology.   
   
8. I’d like to look at stairs on TV and IRL without wincing.
   
9. I’d like to help more women with my Dear Dixie advice column.
   
10. I want my dog, Dr. Waffles, my birds and my husband (not necessarily in that order), to be happy and healthy.
    
11. I’d like to accept myself for who I am and to be kinder to myself.
    
12. I want peace on Earth and goodwill to men. (Well, some men.)

Thank you, Mr. Claus. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings but I just have to add that I’m not sure why some old man is the arbiter of what’s naughty, nice, good and bad. It’s seems very patriarchal and, frankly, effed up. Next year, I’m going skip the middle man. I’ll make a list for my eyes only and work toward giving myself what I want. This will include doing whatever I can do to promote goodwill toward men…mostly.

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What do you want to ask Santa for? We’d love to read your list in comments.

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