Dear Dixie: How should I handle my bump-on-a-log husband?
Dear Dixie,
I’m just about at the end of my rope with my husband. It’s impossible to have a conversation with him. He is silent most of the time, or he’ll answer questions with a yes or no and that’s it. If I go to him with a problem, he just sits there like a bump on a log. He’s a great guy but sometimes I feel like I’m just talking to myself and it’s getting really frustrating. Help!
— Molly
Dearest Molly,
Boy, oh, boy, do I feel your pain! I’m married to a wonderful man who is in that log bump camp. And I confess, it used to be, and sometimes still is, frustrating. But I’m not going to coddle you, Molly. It is up to you and me to make fix this ourselves because, honestly, I think these guys just cannot help it.
“My husband is on the spectrum and just negotiates the world (and conversations) differently than I do. No amount of teeth-gnashing, admonitions, or the silent treatment on my part affected the silent treatments on his part.”
As the book says, while we are from Venus and men are from Mars, some men are actually from galaxies far, far away. In my case, my husband is on the spectrum and just negotiates the world (and conversations) differently than I do. No amount of teeth-gnashing, admonitions, or the silent treatment on my part affected the silent treatments on his part. But there are some things you/we can do to preserve our marriages and our sanity:
“Next time you are communicating feelings and want a response, instead of waiting for comforting words that won’t come, I recommend telling your husband what you need.”
- When you need something, tell him specifically what you want.
I could be curled up in a closet, rocking back and forth, sobbing and sucking my thumb, and my husband would reach in for a shirt and go on his merry way. It’s not that he’s insensitive, he literally does not know there’s something he should do and what that might be. It’s a waste of time hoping men will figure out what we need. They won’t and it doesn’t mean they don’t care. They aren’t careless, they’re clueless. So next time you are communicating feelings and want a response, instead of waiting for comforting words that won’t come, I recommend telling your exactly husband what you need. For example, if your dog Junior dies, you will need to say, out loud, “Honey, I’m very sad about Junior’s death. This grief really hurts. You are going to have to sit next to me and hand-feed me truffle fries while I sit in bed sobbing through a six-hour Hoarders: Buried Alive marathon. I may start wailing every now and then, that’s when you should hold me tight and tell me how you loved Junior too, what a great life he had, and how pretty my hair is.” Be as specific as possible. Good guys will take heed. - Our husbands are not always the sparkling conversationalists we wish they were.
I often get the ball rolling by asking my husband questions so we aren’t sitting in a restaurant chewing in silence. It’s important to have questions that won’t elicit “yes” or “no” answers. It’s also important not to expect him to follow-up with questions about you. For example, if I ask my on-the-spectrum-husband what’s the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to him, he’ll think for a few minutes, and then answer. But whereas you and I might expect our guy to return the question, he might not. If someone asked me that question, not only would I ask them the same question after answering, upon hearing their question I would be revving up my sympathy engines because I’d think maybe this question was a preamble to me soon asking them the same question so they could get some comforting or advice. But these guys may not follow up our inquiry with any curiosity about our lives. Don’t wait for it; it’ll just make you mad. - Basically, my big message is: Don’t go to the hardware store for milk.
It could be that he simply can’t give you what you need and if he’s truly a great guy as you say, I advise you to focus on the stuff he does that’s great. And, when you need to get advice, empathy, or someone to agree with you that the jerk in the office should die a slow, painful death, go to people who can give you what you need. As the song says, that’s what friends are for. We can’t expect any one person to meet all our needs, and this is a really important thing to realize about husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends, and bosses. (Do not let yourself think about how Junior actually DID meet all your needs or you’ll start crying again.)
I hope this was helpful. This is something I’m still struggling with myself, but it gets better. Good luck, and let me know if this helps you to feel less crazy.
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