7 tips to get through a breakup or trauma
Just a couple of months ago, I had a very different holiday plan. This was going to be the sparkly, partnered season that I’d longed for for many years, spent with a person I loved, and our groups of extended family and friends.
Well, as a John Lennon lyric goes that always rings true for me, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” One breakup later, and I found myself spending Halloween week listing my apartment for sublet, drastically adjusting my mental, emotional, and physical support system, and, honestly, crying a lot.
“What’s going to change there?” he asked, rhetorically. “Not you.”
When I texted my therapist to cancel my upcoming appointment and told him that, oh, by the way, I’d decided to fly directly to my parents’ Florida guest room to “I don’t know, sleep and catch up on work for a while,” he called me on the phone. This man never calls me, unless, I guess, he’s strongly opposed to my latest idea.
He did not like my plan at all. Instead, he encouraged me to stay in Maryland and “use my resources,” affirming that while heartbreak was for sure a major and very real life challenge, I would be better off to stay where I was, “feel, and move through it.”
“What’s going to change in Florida and not here?” he asked, rhetorically. “Not you.”
I told him that this sounded like a terrible plan, but I canceled the ticket anyway, because I trust him, no matter how much I might dislike his solutions at first. And as October burned into November and then somehow all the way to this day in December, I am, indeed, still here. Using my resources — which are mostly people, it turns out — and feeling. Moving through it, like it or not.
“There will be joy, but there can also be sadness and loss. Grief can come in many forms — death, estrangement, loss of a relationship, etc. It is not only OK to accept and honor the grief, but also very helpful to be honest and present with current emotions.”
— Dr. Allison Chase
Pros agree that the holiday season can be one of the hardest to deal with loss and grief
“There is often pressure for the holiday to be ‘special’ or ‘magical’ and to spend time with family and significant others,” says Dr. Allison Chase of the Pathlight Mood and Anxiety Center. “These gatherings or events may be stressful, causing heightened anxiety or depression. Loss of loved ones and grief may be highlighted.”
I would not have enjoyed what happened to me at any time, but Dr. Chase has a point. Not only does an acute loss come with its own requisite and unavoidable pain, but add in the family of origin challenges, childhood memories, and perhaps even the Seasonal Affective Disorder associated with this time of year, and you’ve got an extra layer of challenge.
“There will be joy, but there can also be sadness and loss,” Dr. Chase says. “Grief can come in many forms — death, estrangement, loss of a relationship, etc. It is not only OK to accept and honor the grief, but also very helpful to be honest and present with current emotions.”
So what’s a sad-in-the-happy-season person to do?
I can’t guarantee specific solutions for everyone who is struggling this winter and holiday season, and I am still far from jolly, but I can share a few things that have made these days livable so far.
1. Get real about what’s going on
I have absolutely no ability to, and beyond that no interest in, faking happy. One thing I have learned by now is that stuffing the sad means it just comes back later — sometimes in truly devastating, utterly ass-kicking ways. I’m not doing that thing anymore. So that meant that this time I immediately let people close to me know what was going on, and was surprisingly (for me) open about needing more support. And I got it.
Stuffing the sad means it just comes back later — sometimes in truly devastating, utterly ass-kicking ways.
Did I want to feel anything, much less tell people about it? Not at all. I didn’t really want to do anything. But I knew I needed to. Also if one more person tells me that “the only way out is through,” I’d be inclined to mentally punch them in the nose, although I know they’re right. Ditto “that which does not kill you makes you stronger.”
Let’s come up with new ways to say these things, please.
“Remember that your grief is valid. If you are hurting, allow yourself to lean into those feelings,” says Dr. Chase. “While it can be helpful to take time for yourself, it also can be equally helpful to utilize your support system and others in your life that can provide needed comfort and support. Most people don’t instinctively know how to respond; therefore, it will be important to tell them how you are feeling and what you need.”
I’m saying I have a little dog who needs to walk twice a day, and having that morning and afternoon activity to punctuate my work day is even more helpful than usual right now.
2. Get moving as much as you can, at whatever level you can
I deeply understand depression, and know that extra activity is not always possible when you’re down in whatever life struggle is on your plate. Sadness, grief, and depression are deeply physical experiences that can ignite pain and inflammation centers, too. However, motion has been critical for me this season.
I’m not talking about a half marathon here, or a 5k or anything involving running at all. I’m saying I have a little dog who needs to walk twice a day, and having that morning and afternoon activity to punctuate my work day is even more helpful than usual right now. I have also planned to meet friends for walks, and sometimes just to meet up at a location that is not my house. I even agreed to go to a swing dance this week, which I’ve never done before and have no idea how to actually do, but I guess I’ll figure it out.
Changing my view and my activities can sometimes change my mood — not always, but often.
3. Let the light in
Getting sunlight and fresh air can make a crappy day more bearable, especially as the days shorten as we round the bend toward the solstice, into the inevitable spring. The light will come back, but there’s some out there now, even if it’s in limited quantities.
“Take care of your body in doable and simple ways” says Dr. Chu Hui Cha, a Bay Area psychologist. “This might be going for a walk while there’s still daylight…For many, part of the holiday blues is a seasonal effect from the reduction in sunlight exposure and shorter days.”
If the skies are stubbornly gray where you are as they often are in my area this time of year, you can borrow some artificial light in the form of what I affectionately call my “happy lamp”. My only regret is that it took me so long to get one, because it has really helped me counteract the struggle of limited fall and wintertime light. Let’s just say it’s been working overtime lately.
Emotional experiences such as awe can be beneficial to mental health and novel activities tend to induce that in us. Plus, it’s helpful to get away from preconceived notions about what you should be doing or what you previously expected to do with your partner.
— Dr. Chu Hui Cha
4. Make new memories, if you’re up to it
I was driving to a meeting one early November afternoon, and realized that my former partner who loves to host and cook simply would not be around to do those things. I got big sad, like immediately-hit-me-like-a-ton-of-bricks sad. I didn’t really feel like going anywhere else for Thanksgiving, and my family would be out of town. The void felt insurmountable.
Thankfully, my next — and it must be said, completely atypical — thought was that I could try to do something instead, speaking back to the inner critic voice that says that’s not my style, that I’m not good at entertaining, blah blah blah. So I opened up my house to friends on Thanksgiving night, who not only showed up, but showed up big. We had snacks and desserts and a gratitude circle, and for the first time in a month I felt like things were not just going to be okay, but that they already somehow were. I still felt sad, but I also felt hopeful, loving, and loved, and, admittedly, a little bit empowered that I could make a new plan and follow through, even in hard times.
“Try to do something new and/or unexpected during the holidays,” Cha says. “Emotional experiences such as awe can be beneficial to mental health and novel activities tend to induce that in us. Plus, it’s helpful to get away from preconceived notions about what you should be doing or what you previously expected to do with your partner.”
The people who came to my house were some I expected, and others I never would have thought would show up. I did experience awe at that, and from that experience there’s a crew who plan to gather again over the December holidays, and hopefully into the new year.
“Embrace your team,” says Integrative Counselor Georgina Sturmer. “You might feel as if you want to hide away. But when times are tough, we really need connection. Our support network, our ‘hype friends’, the people who are always on our team. Challenge yourself to reach out and communicate with them.”
It wasn’t an easy day or a magic eraser for feelings about my ex, but it was exactly what I needed, and so much better than leaning into misery or going it alone.
5. Ugh, tears and feelings. Don’t avoid them if you can help it
I have been an actual feelings machine for well over a month now. I am so tired of my feelings at this point that I would like to sell them at a feelings store, for cheap. That said, this experience ignited a wave of sadness so deep that it’s clear it had been buried through various means for a long time.
“Allow yourself to explore and accept your feelings,” Sturmer says. “This might sound simple, but in fact it can be tempting to deny or suppress our feelings. But the truth is that if we don’t explore our feelings, they don’t disappear. They have the potential to fester, and come out in different ways — in feelings of anxiety, panic, anger, overwhelm or numbness.”
Anxiety, panic, anger, overwhelm and numbness were my longtime go-tos, and interestingly, sadness was a thing I didn’t think I could access or handle, for reasons that felt solid at the time, but blew up into nothing this fall.
These days, I cry, a lot, but it feels different, healing and more real, maybe? And yikes, do I judge myself for this. Why do we apologize for crying? It’s the most natural process, especially when you’ve (as in ‘I’ve’) needed to do it for a long time. I am told that it will stop eventually, and in the meantime I’m trying to just let it happen when it needs to, and to enjoy the benefits for my skin, which are, incidentally, quite extraordinary.
Saying that being the currently often-sad person in the room is festive and enjoyable would be a lie, but necessary and fun are sometimes mutually exclusive in healing processes. I don’t love this, but I’m not avoiding it. Because guess what? I can’t. And also I don’t ever want to go through the chain of events that got me to this very spot again, and I have a soul-deep awareness that this excavation is what it’s going to take to make that happen. Sometimes clarity comes at a high price, but one that I believe will eventually be worth it.
I also do not do this alone or unassisted, which is new for a person who would have previously rather eaten glass than ask for help.
“Find a way that works for you — it might be in conversation with a trusted friend, in therapy, or through journaling or another creative outlet,” Dr. Cha says.
Yes, I journal after a long break, and I talk to people. I send a gratitude list daily to a squad of people in my recovery circles, and I go to many, many meetings to maintain and improve my sobriety, both physical and emotional. I look at and send a lot of dog memes. I am watching more stupid tv than usual, and I’m making frequent plans with friends that I mostly keep.
I’m also looking out for the mean voices in my head that tell me this is all a disaster of my own making, because that voice needs to be fired.
“Practice self-compassion,” Dr. Cha says. “Having compassion for yourself can look like being gentle with yourself, redirecting when you’re being critical or hard on yourself. Self-compassion is best described as treating yourself the way a good friend would.”
“Avoid the rabbit hole of self-blame,” Sturmer says. “When we have been through a challenging situation, it’s helpful to look back and reflect on our behavior. But it’s easy for this to become a cycle of self-criticism. Make sure that you are focused on what happened in the situation, rather than building an indictment of who you are as a person. This helps to keep your own self-esteem intact.”
6. Get professional help if you need it and you can
Navigating serious life changes and challenges is big work, and we all deserve help in facing whatever it is that makes certain times especially difficult. I already mentioned the crucial role my therapist played in supporting me. Professional mental health support can be key, especially during the most challenging times of loss and grief. And if your thoughts go toward self-harm at any point, it’s essential to do so immediately.
“Recognizing when one’s daily functioning is impaired over an extended number of days is important,” says Dr. Chase. “Seeking professional help is recommended to assess if additional care is needed.”
I already had a trusted provider in place, although this has not always been the case, so I know how hard it can be to walk through hard times without one. I also don’t sugar coat the challenge of finding a mental health professional, considering barriers of cost, accessibility, and feeling too overwhelmed at the worst times to navigate the logistics. If you feel able, reach out to a friend who may be able to sit with you while you make the calls or send the emails, or may be able to do it for you. Many local mental health care and hospice organizations do provide grief support groups at low cost or free of charge. The 988 Lifeline is a national crisis resource, and local health departments typically have crisis intervention teams as well. I let people know when I’m having a particularly down day, and often bookend activities I don’t feel like I can do on my own by checking in with a friend. I will do the same for them when I’m stronger, and some days even now I can. Mutual and consistent support has been key for me.
“Give yourself permission to do nothing. The people in your life might be doing holiday activities, gatherings, etc. but if you’re not feeling it and need some down time, give yourself that space.”
— Dr. Chu Hui Cha
Don’t do things if you don’t feel like it
I was scheduled to go see a popular local holiday lights display last weekend, and when the night came, I couldn’t do it. I also didn’t want to. The weather was gray and damp. I was weary, and a little bit sad. So after an hour of wrestling with the decision, I made a calm choice to stay home.
“Give yourself permission to do nothing,” Dr. Cha says. “The people in your life might be doing holiday activities, gatherings, etc. but if you’re not feeling it and need some down time, give yourself that space.”
As much as I enjoyed my Thanksgiving gathering, and hope to have the will and the enthusiasm to do some other things in the next month, I didn’t feel it last weekend, and that’s okay. Heaping fear of missing out on top of already limited emotional resources is a recipe for overwhelm, and that’s counterproductive for healing. So I texted the friend who organized the activity and told them I was feeling some extra grief, and wouldn’t be there. Succinctly including the feelings feels like the best move; it acknowledges it to myself, and also reminds our friends what we’re moving through.
“Consider why it’s important to be ‘fine’,” Sturmer says. “Maybe it feels like it’s not acceptable for you to be open and honest with the world around you. Consider why you feel this way. It’s true that certain settings (for example, the workplace) aren’t always appropriate places for us to lay our feelings bare. But it might also be that you want to portray yourself in a certain way, all the time. That you don’t want to appear vulnerable. This offers an opportunity for you to re-evaluate how you feel about being open and honest with other people. It might feel scary, but it can also offer a chance to build stronger, deeper connections.”
Sharing appropriately what I’m feeling and why feels a lot better than fibbing and faking, and I’ve found that it’s strengthened relationships with family and friends — including some new ones that I didn’t see coming. They keep inviting me to things, and that means a lot. I do what I can, and when I can’t, I don’t.
When all else fails, I remind myself that after the Solstice, the light is around longer, and spring always comes. Time, more than anything, is a great healer, and while I don’t forget my losses, I have a 100 percent track record of moving through them so far, and I’m still here. I wish the same for you, whatever it is you may be going through.
This article was originally published here on The Midst Substack.
