Sometimes life throws you a curveball: How to tackle a big life swerve

I think most people would agree that the last thing any newlywed wants to do is move back in with their parents. Particularly when said newlywed has enjoyed more than a decade away from home, enjoying the spoils of city life.

But just eight weeks after saying ‘I do’ that’s exactly what my husband and I decided to do.

Post-wedding, with a new goal of buying our forever home, we crunched the numbers and committed to a painfully stringent savings plan.

Pretty soon, one thing became abundantly clear: if we were ever to own our own home, then moving back in with my parents so we could finally scrape together a house deposit was a necessary – albeit less-than-ideal – step.

A new way of life 

Living with my parents again for the first time in well over a decade wasn’t the only change we’d have to manage. This move meant swapping city living in Northern Ireland’s capital city Belfast for life in the remote countryside. It meant forgoing the relative independence and anonymity of living 100 miles from home for the sometimes uncomfortable familiarity of being back in our rural hometown.

I’ve started to call this adjustment the Big Life Swerve and I believe that at one point or another, each of us will be forced to make a major life change that we probably wouldn’t have chosen for ourselves if life didn’t force our hands.

These changes can be particularly prevalent in mid-life: a time that’s often punctuated by transition and change. Chapters seem to inevitably close in this life era. Divorces are finalized, children fly the nest, periods stop, you decide it’s finally time to stop putting off that degree…

Throw a cost-of-living crisis into the mix and I’d reason that more of us than ever have found our lives moving in an unexpected direction. Maybe you’ve been forced to downsize, relocate, or move back in with family, like me. Perhaps a recent bereavement has turned your world on its head.

For me, it was helpful to realize that I’m far from alone in enjoying the benefits (financial and otherwise) of intergenerational living. A 2023 survey by the UK’s Legal & General found that almost half of British adults think it would be good to have three generations living in the same household, with a third of adults believing that the government should give them financial incentives doing so, and four in five expressing that people in multigenerational homes were better off. In the U.S., multigenerational living has grown steadily since the ‘70s. As of 2021, the Pew Research Center’s statistics show that the number of Americans who live in multigenerational family households is about four times larger than five decades ago. 

With big change comes big emotions

There’s a certain prickly feeling that comes with being forced into compromise. It’s discombobulating to realize that life is largely beyond our control, no matter how firm a grip we place on it or how well we lay our plans.

We might feel a sense of failure or foreboding. Or maybe resignation to your fate has taken hold.

Still, I’d reason that big life swerves can be some of the most liberating, empowering, and revealing experiences we can encounter. They force us to re-evaluate who we are and what we want from life, and often we discover that there’s joy to be found in the compromise.

But they can take a hell of a lot of getting used to in the beginning.

“Big changes, especially unexpected ones, can put a magnifying glass on everything else in our lives, including our mental health. Any challenges we were facing can become more prominent,” points out certified life coach and founder of The Float Space Sam Kennedy Christian.

Christian notes that it’s common to experience a loss of how you see yourself. That was certainly true for me. Who was I if I wasn’t the career-minded, city-dwelling woman who’d left her hometown behind for a life of adventure?

The challenge, says Christian, is redefining your identity so you can become more resilient through this big life swerve.

Therapist and Master NLP Annabella Zeiddar concurs, noting, “Setbacks to how we envisioned our life would pan out can significantly impact our self-worth and self-image. They can manifest as feelings of shame, guilt, and failure and a preconception that life hasn’t turned out as we planned.”

Letting go of your image of the future

It’s hard to shake the image of the future we had envisaged for ourselves, but not impossible. Zeiddar says reframing this upheaval is key.

“It’s possible to reframe pretty much anything. So, think about an upside to what is happening in your life. For example, if you’re moving back in with your parents, then perhaps you’ll be able to share the bills and save money,” she notes.

Zeiddar points out that if you’ve  left an unhealthy relationship, then you’ll now have the time to prioritize your well-being and self-discovery. “If your job is making you miserable,” she says, “perhaps now is the time to prioritize that side hustle or passion project.”

I like to think of this as making the jump from ‘compromise’ to ‘opportunity.’

Making a change? Here are some therapist-approved ways to navigate

Consider your values: Both experts recommend checking in with your values if you’re still struggling. “If you’re not sure what your values are, Google it!” advises Christian. “You’ll get a long list of values – take note of what jumps out at you.” When you do this values-based exercise, Christian says you might notice themes emerging. You’ll be able to identify your core values, the ones that help you with decisions and challenges. In other words, you’ll gain a deeper understanding of what’s important to you.

Find ways to prioritize what’s important to you: A key question to ask yourself at this point, according to Christian, is, “What is it about this life change that is out of alignment for me?”

My advice? Figure out how you can incorporate those missing elements into your big life swerve. I worried life outside of the city would quickly kill my sense of adventure. Rubbish! You can find adventure anywhere, especially when you’re surrounded by rolling hills and green countryside.

Be proactive and open-minded: I’ve learned that it’s all about being proactive and finding ways to prioritize what’s important to you, no matter how your life circumstances change.

Zeiddar agrees with this taking-a-bull-by-the-horns approach. “The events we experience don’t control our lives, but our decisions do. So, make a decision today to take radical responsibility for your life,” she says. “That means owning everything that’s happening – the good, the bad, AND the ugly! There is learning in everything so ask yourself, ‘What can I do differently now?’ This always feels really empowering because it gives you a sense of agency in your life again.”

My take is that if you’re lucky there won’t be so much work needed. Your big life swerve might just surprise you, as mine did. It could, in fact, be everything you didn’t know you needed. 

What my swerve taught me

Ultimately, for me, moving  back in with my parents has brought a newfound feeling of contentment. I feel more relaxed than I have in 15 years. (The familiarity of home will do that to you.) I cherish every moment spent with my parents and feel fortunate that I get to spend their later years in such close proximity to them.

I’ve reconnected with old friends and found myself enamored by the embrace of a small-town community. I feel unexpectedly grateful – no, relieved – to have shaken off the endless hustle and grind of living in the city, and I’ve quickly adapted to this more easy-going and relaxed pace of living. No learning curve required.

I couldn’t have imagined mere months ago that this unlikely swerve would be exactly what I needed. Rather I saw it as a temporary change that I’d have to ‘wait out.’ Instead, it’s been everything I didn’t know I needed. And my husband has been surprised by how much he’s enjoying the change too.

I’ve realized that deviating from your expected life path doesn’t have to be a step backward. There is actually joy and opportunity to be found in moving in a new direction, albeit one you wouldn’t have chosen for yourself.

Maybe, sometimes, things really do happen for a reason.